We frequently show our family grace by helping them out when they need it. Up until the dynamics change and financial assistance becomes exploitative, supporting loved ones rarely feels like a hardship.
Jillian was her family’s ATM.
I choose to be childless and single. I’m also fairly wealthy and make a good living. Although they aren’t particularly wealthy, the rest of my family isn’t going hungry. My family now comes to me whenever they need money. For my sister, her family, and my parents, I have paid for renovations, trips, and even debt repayment.
I love them to bits, but I am tired of bankrolling them. It’s like I am their personal ATM. Recently, my parents asked me to pay for their dream cruise. It was very expensive, and I felt uncomfortable spending so much. So I refused. Then, my mom called, furiously yelling at me, “Why can’t you spend this much? Can’t you give us a gift? We spend so much money on your college and education. You don’t have a husband or children; what do you need so much money for?”
I was shocked, mortified even, by the greed I heard in her voice. It’s not like I haven’t paid for their vacations before, but honestly, spending thousands of dollars on a cruise felt like too much of an overspend to me. My refusal was firm but polite. I don’t really understand. Am I their daughter or just an ATM?
I’m hurt and angry at the same time, and torn between completely cutting my parents and family off and trying to make them understand my POV. What should I do?
Your anger and hurt are absolutely valid. You’re absolutely right in trying to set boundaries. Sadly, it looks like your family is trying to emotionally and financially manipulate you, trying to guilt you into giving more money. But being family doesn’t entitle someone to access to your wallet. Here’s how you might start responding to this, both emotionally and practically.
You don’t owe your family financial help, period!
- Recognize the exploitation: You seem to have constantly helped out your family, without complaint, because you love them. Now that you have chosen to curtail the financial aspect, they are trying to guilt you into doing more, which is a big red flag. Your family is not entitled to your money, and any past expenses incurred for your education do not automatically become debt. They are trying to turn parenting into an investment.
- No means no: To refuse, with your reason, is your right. “No,” is a complete sentence, and frankly, you’re not denying them necessities. All you are doing is drawing the line at excessive luxury spend, which is more than reasonable.
- You don’t owe your family money: When it comes to family, money cannot be the language of life. Just because you are single and child-free does not mean you are a piggy bank for everyone to delve into.
- Stand firm behind your decision: Be very clear that you see that you are being taken for a ride, and it stops here and now. There will be no more frivolous spending on your dime, and they can take their own vacation or do their remodelling only when they can afford it. You have paid for enough.
- Give them a chance, but make yourself the priority: If they are willing to understand and respect your decision, the family love and bond will remain strong. But if the guilt-tripping, financial manipulation, and emotional toxicity continue, you need to step back to protect yourself. Frankly, if they see you more as an ATM than a family member, you deserve better.
Advice:
- “Who in the world organizes a trip without having any money? Well done for setting the boundary. It’s ridiculous how entitled they are. Need and greed are not the same thing.
- The wisest course of action is to say absolutely nothing, other than that you are not going and that you will not be paying for any portion of the trip. Don’t allow anyone guilt-trip you since the expectations are absolutely crazy!
- Whoa… The family remarked, “But we can still have your money, right?” after you indicated you couldn’t go. They genuinely don’t give a damn about you as a person, to the extent that they don’t give a damn about your physical presence as long as you have money. You’re correct. To them, you are merely an ATM. Shut off the faucet and leave permanently.
Family ties must be valued without greed, even though blood may be thicker than water. Otherwise, for your own mental health, you should always stay away from money-minded family members, no matter how close they are. Here’s an article about saving money after you can keep what you make.
