Being a stepparent is hard, even more so when the child is a teenager. It’s already difficult for them when their parents separate, and introducing someone new into their life complicates matters.
I’m in a situation that I don’t know how to deal with. Recently, my 15-year-old stepson has started bringing home-cooked meals from his mom’s house when he comes over to visit us. In the beginning I thought it was strange, but now I think there’s a lot more too it.
I cook for the entire family every night, but since he’s been bringing his mom’s food, he refuses to eat what I make. He won’t even look at the food. He just microwaves whatever his mom packed him and eats it in silence.
I tried to be understanding because I thought there might be a logical explanation behind it. But this time things went too far. Last night I made his favorite meal or at least, what used to be his favorite and he didn’t even look at it. He just pulled out his mom’s container.
It wasn’t my best moment, but I snapped at him after losing it. I informed him that I no longer approved of his actions. When I remarked that this is my house, I’m not operating a restaurant, and he can figure it out on his own if he doesn’t want to eat what I serve, I fear I may have gone too far.
He didn’t react any way I thought he would. He didn’t even flinch. He just gave me a blank expression and said, “Relax, it’s not like anyone asked you to pretend to be my mom. I have no problem with the one I have. If it bothers you, that’s your problem.”
I stood there speechless. It’s not like I ever tried to be or replace his mother. But the fact that he thought I did, really stung. I know teens can be difficult, but I never expected the sweet boy I knew to say something so horrible.
When I tried to discuss it with my husband later that night, he said that I needed to let it go. “He’s just a teenager,” he added. I’ve been telling myself the same thing, but what he said really hurt, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
Here are some tips that might help you out.
Get on the same page.
Being a stepparent isn’t easy, but it can be manageable with the help of your partner. Talk to your husband about it, get his honest view, and then share yours. Inform him that you have never attempted to be the mother of his son and that you are offended by his accusations. After you are in agreement, you can investigate strategies for handling the circumstance.
You’re not his mom, but you are a mom.
Although it may seem paradoxical, such is the case. Even though you may not have reared him, you still look after him, and that’s important. Be a mother, then. Keep an eye on him and note any days when he appears more depressed or agitated. Instead of trying to coerce him into opening up, show him that you are there and that you care by doing small gestures.
If he seems extra moody, leave his favorite candy bar in his room. If he seems agitated stay out of his way. Soon you’ll see that the little gestures mean a lot more than words. He might even start opening up to you because he’ll understand that you are not a threat, and you’re not trying to control him.
Although having stepchildren is difficult, how you treat them is ultimately what counts. While some will attempt to replace their parent, others will fight to keep them out. Being neutral is usually all they need, so if you truly want to get along with them, do that.
